Giving up is the easiest thing in the whole world to do.
But luckily, doing it over and over again causes progressively more and more pain – which means we must either harden and become a darker person to continue in the same fashion, or we must soften and open our hearts to feeling.
At the moment I keep giving up on love, every day. The faith I have in myself is low. This is something I realise more lately.
I wrote recently about spirits. My relationships with them currently are far stronger and more damaging than during my childhood.
I have many desires. But I have many fears too, and I currently refuse to really feel the fear in my soul.
So, if there are things you want to do and be, but you hold fears inside of you about them, fears that you refuse to feel – you’re going to need some kind of Dutch courage to keep going.
Many people drink or smoke or eat or have sex etc, to manage and deny their fears while still doing what they want to do.
The way I manage my fear is by asking a spirit to be with me, to help me fake the feelings I need to function in the world, look normal, not be overwhelmed, and engage in my passions.
I do it many many times everyday. Depending on how scary a situation is, it can and does get to the point where there is barely any of Mathew left, present and connected to himself and his experience. Any one of a number of spirits jump in and provide their influence, for a price. They are my thunder buddies.
The spirits I pull in to me are drawn by the emotions inside of us that compliment and sympathise with the other. Their lives in the spirit world are not satisfying and happy and so, they can also avoid their fear and other feelings by engaging with the earth, via me.
I constantly prostitute myself out. I am a junkie of the invisible kind. Yet for anyone who can feel others clearly, my addiction is as obvious as track marks running up my arm.
How do I step away from these kind of unloving interactions? I don’t know. How do I make myself want to be my real self? I’m not sure.
The sad thing is, at the moment I don’t even really want to know much. The avoidance of truth is great in me presently.
I don’t know what to do. Nothing really seems to be enough to make me care enough. Every time I get really close to feeling my fears, a spirit projects at me so strongly that I feel terrified, dizzy and sometimes barely able to keep my eyes open.
I don’t really know what else to write tonight but I want to keep expressing what it’s like to be me, and hopefully change.
I’m tired of choosing these addictions. They hurt more every time I choose them. Yet I don’t love myself enough, or have enough faith or, something… And I keep doing the same things.