Never Give Up

Giving up is the easiest thing in the whole world to do.

But luckily, doing it over and over again causes progressively more and more pain – which means we must either harden and become a darker person to continue in the same fashion, or we must soften and open our hearts to feeling.

At the moment I keep giving up on love, every day. The faith I have in myself is low. This is something I realise more lately.

I wrote recently about spirits. My relationships with them currently are far stronger and more damaging than during my childhood.

I have many desires. But I have many fears too, and I currently refuse to really feel the fear in my soul.

So, if there are things you want to do and be, but you hold fears inside of you about them, fears that you refuse to feel – you’re going to need some kind of Dutch courage to keep going.

Many people drink or smoke or eat or have sex etc, to manage and deny their fears while still doing what they want to do.

The way I manage my fear is by asking a spirit to be with me, to help me fake the feelings I need to function in the world, look normal, not be overwhelmed, and engage in my passions.

I do it many many times everyday. Depending on how scary a situation is, it can and does get to the point where there is barely any of Mathew left, present and connected to himself and his experience. Any one of a number of spirits jump in and provide their influence, for a price. They are my thunder buddies.

The spirits I pull in to me are drawn by the emotions inside of us that compliment and sympathise with the other. Their lives in the spirit world are not satisfying and happy and so, they can also avoid their fear and other feelings by engaging with the earth, via me.

I constantly prostitute myself out. I am a junkie of the invisible kind. Yet for anyone who can feel others clearly, my addiction is as obvious as track marks running up my arm.

How do I step away from these kind of unloving interactions? I don’t know. How do I make myself want to be my real self? I’m not sure.

The sad thing is, at the moment I don’t even really want to know much. The avoidance of truth is great in me presently.

I don’t know what to do. Nothing really seems to be enough to make me care enough. Every time I get really close to feeling my fears, a spirit projects at me so strongly that I feel terrified, dizzy and sometimes barely able to keep my eyes open.

I don’t really know what else to write tonight but I want to keep expressing what it’s like to be me, and hopefully change.

I’m tired of choosing these addictions. They hurt more every time I choose them. Yet I don’t love myself enough, or have enough faith or, something… And I keep doing the same things.


My Experiences with Spirits

Hey Friends,

After watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose tonight, I want to share with you some truths that I know personally, from my own experience, about the existence of spirits. Read on if you would like to know my story.

Spirits exist. Whether you choose to believe me or not, they do exist. Every man, woman and child who has ever existed on earth and died, is now a spirit. Some of these spirits live in places that suit their emotional and soul condition in the spirit world. However spirits also have the ability and freedom to live among us here on earth, though they remain mostly unseen and unknown to us.

Some of these people you know personally. They were your friends and family before they died. They still are your friends and family now. I call them “friends you can’t see.” These people do not simply sever the ties formed over their lifetimes, especially bonds of sympathy or love.

The truth is, spirits are around us, all day everyday. They do impact our lives, our thoughts and our feelings. Some spirits are filled with love for humanity and wish to assist us. Other spirits are simply like your average people on the street. Still other spirits have become more evil than we can possibly imagine, through their desire to harm other people over periods of hundreds and even thousands of years.

I have had sufficient experience connected with spirits, to have conclusively proven that spirits do exist, beyond all possibility of doubt. And I’d like to gradually present these experiences on my blog. Especially what it’s like to be under continual spirit influence, which I personally invite to help me cope with feelings I’m afraid of.

These are truths I have feared to share with others, for fear of judgement, ridicule and attack. But, I believe that the more the world knows about the truth of spirits and our interactions with them – our world stands to become a better, more transparent, and responsible place.

My personal experience with spirits began when I was very young. And my experiences were mostly negative and traumatic till recently. Openness to spirit interaction runs in my family, with both my mother and father being very spirit influenced. By this I mean, spirits have subjected their will upon my parents, particularly in a fearful or violent manner, through a matching desire between the spirit and each of my parents (though not with my parents conscious awareness).

Particularly when my mother or father treated me in a highly abusive way – I could see and feel the very evil spirits with them. And I was terrified. As I grew, I repressed a conscious intellectual awareness of what was happening, but nevertheless I could always feel it. I could feel the evil and I was terrified. When my mum would lose her temper completely, her eyes would go all black – what I used to call her “jungle eyes”.

How and Why would this kind of “Overcloaking” or “temporary possession” occur? When a feeling is triggered or created inside of a person, but they want to avoid it – it actually disconnects the person from their body (not wanting to really be present). They then form coping mechanisms with spirits. Co-dependant, “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” type relationships are created. The spirit helps the person avoid their fear, guilt, anger or other emotion, and in return the spirit gets to be very connected with the person – especially to indulge in emotional, personal interaction based or substance based addictions, which are not available to them in the spirit world.

As far as I am aware, these kind of addiction based spirit interactions occur for almost every person on earth. If you have an addiction of any kind, there is a strong likelihood that spirits are involved.

These are not the only interactions that happen with spirits, some are incredible and beautiful, but before I get to them, I want to return to my early experiences. These other interactions I will describe in Part 2 and 3 depending on how long this becomes.

I also had spirits attack me every day of my life directly (not through other people). Each night, when I turned the light out in the bedroom of my house, which was a very long house, a spirit would attack me for the sake of terrorising me. Pins and needles, hair standing up on end, sensing a malevolent presence, sudden chills, pressure on my body… I am confident some of you may be able to relate to what I describe. These experiences are generally written off as a little crazy or paranoid. An overly excitable imagination…

But I assure you, they are much more real than we want to realise much of the time. That’s why we tell our children their “imaginary friends” are not real. But they are just as real as you or I.

Regularly as a child and teen,I would wake during in the middle of the night. I could feel that there were a whole group of very evil male spirits around my bed. 6 or 8 of them. I could see them with my spiritual sight, which I will explain later. Their faces terrified me. Their eyes. Their mouths and hands. I would lie there in sheer terror, as still as possible, hoping they didn’t realise I had awoken. But they knew I was awake, and loved every second of terrorising me. Sometimes I believe they would hold me down, like in the movies. But this memory is something I’m still blocking clearly recalling, it’s hazy and so don’t take it as something I know to have happenned beyond doubt in my childhood.

I had many dreams of being traumatised and abused. When we go to sleep and our spirit body is temporarily set free from our physical bodies, we are initially in the same place as the spirits around us. We can then go to a variety of locations, but if we are sufficiently afraid – we may follow the demands of evil spirits who have been attacking us while we are awake on earth. In my case, I allowed spirits to abuse me in the spiritual world. Sometimes we can wake up with actual memories of what we have been doing in the spirit world, rather than from a dream.

It sounds pretty cuckoo and out there. But it just the truth. Take it or leave it. For a long time, I thought maybe I’d been abducted, as there was no explan that fit my experiences. It was my personal hell and I endured and suffered through day after day of unexplained and traumatic experiences. I cannot describe the sense of loneliness and isolation I felt. And I had nobody to talk to.

I remember as a teenager when finally The Sixth Sense came out in the cinema. I watched it and I was a total mess afterwards. I had at this stage repressed my intellectual consciousness of what had gone on in my life. But emotionally, I knew it was like watching a story of my life.

The evil spirits and the addiction spirits are not the only people who are around us. We also have loving, beautiful, inspiring guides, guardians and other friends. When I write Part 2 I’ll describe them, but that’s it for tonight!